Balancing the Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship
Being a gay man in my late 40s, my life has involved many, largely pleasurable years pursuing casual sex with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I was in a committed partnership that lasted a significant period, but I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved or intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, I have always craved casual sex. Whenever I begin to date any man, once the newness dwindles, I always get the urge to be intimate with other men once more.
Questioning the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to maintain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that many homosexual males have open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear demanding, frequently causing significant pain and jealousy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I want another man to care for me while letting me pursue other intimacies, but I fear the psychological toll this might create. Is it best to continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Each individual's intimate path fluctuates. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your ability to tolerate different types of intimate connections in a finite way. Your needs in your current state may well change down the road; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a suitable route … or not. At some point you could encounter a person who provides a transformative opportunity for you by reflecting your desires completely … and later on you may choose that casual connections are best for you. Worrying about what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your energy. Aim to stay present in your relationships, and recognize the value of every individual you connect with intimately a sexual connection. When and if the time is right to deepen true intimacy with one partner, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based psychotherapist focusing on treating sexual disorders.
